Utilizing feeling statements enables assertive communication without making listeners feel blamed, accused, or defensive. They help focus on how uncomfortable the speaker feels while trying to find ways to mitigate that discomfort.
What if Karen were angry? Would she use feeling statements or seek another method for communicating her anger?
I Statements
I statements are designed to allow speakers to express themselves more clearly without attacking their listener, without making accusations against anyone in particular. Instead, these statements focus on their emotions rather than what someone else might be doing wrong, which can make a significant difference in preventing an encounter from devolving into open conflict.
As participants work in pairs, have them discuss their most recent disagreement (with anyone, be it a co-worker, friend, parent or significant other) and reframe some of the accusatory and hurtful phrases into “I” statements which focus more on feelings than facts.
Once each pair has created a list of good and bad I Statements, have them practice reframing their conversations during times when tension levels are low and their partner can listen without getting angry. When ready, bring back to group for discussion and board the I Statements they generated on the board. While this may sound easy enough in theory, when one is caught up in their emotions – particularly with someone like Angry Karen! – it takes effortful practice when managing feelings.
I Feel
When using I statements, it is essential to focus on how you feel rather than what has been done by another individual. You will experience far better response from listeners if they understand that you are not accusing them of anything, thus keeping their defensiveness under control.
Sharing how you feel with loved ones can be challenging when in an argument or they are upset with you; even more difficult is trying to express them when they don’t listen or are uncooperative. Therefore, it is advisable to try having conversations at times when tensions are low, such as after work hours have ended or after the dispute has subsided.
If you were to ask Karen how she felt after complaining about your lack of housework attention, she might respond by saying: “I feel like an impostor for not keeping up with chores; I am feeling frustrated and resentful; please help me in dealing with these feelings.”
Here is an example of how I Statements can be used to defuse accusations and reduce hostility. While practicing I statements may take practice and is likely difficult for most, especially during heated arguments with someone close to us, everyone can learn how to communicate more effectively by employing I Statements both daily communication as well as therapy settings like family and couples therapy.
I Want
I Statements are an effective way of communicating what you want, both emotionally and rationally. But be wary – using I Statements against someone who regularly uses mean or hurtful remarks might backfire; they might claim you’re exaggerating it just so they can get back at you with more cruelty!
I Need
Anger management issues make it challenging for those struggling to communicate their needs clearly without sounding angry or accusatory, but I Statements can be invaluable in communicating feelings and needs in a non-attacking way and can prevent interactions from escalating into open conflict while offering some form of catharsis in the speaker. Unfortunately, however, learning these techniques doesn’t come naturally to everyone; mastery takes some training and practice.
Ask pairs to recall an argument they recently had and attempt to reframe some of the accusatory statements into “I statements”. Monitor and discuss progress made; encourage continued practice of this exercise throughout the week.
