Setting boundaries as an assertive form of communication may seem intimidating and even aggressive at first. But with practice comes success! Setting healthy limits will become much simpler.
Direct and assertive communication doesn’t have to be aggressive. Learn how to be both kind and firm when setting boundaries.
Be specific.
Establishing boundaries is a skill, and, like any new behavior, can feel awkward or difficult at first. If you’re dealing with someone unfamiliar with setting healthy boundaries for themselves, setting boundaries may feel mean or aggressive at first. These uncomfortable feelings should diminish over time as you gain more practice asserting yourself and communicating your needs through this method.
An important thing to keep in mind when setting and upholding boundaries is that your needs are valid and should be respected. If someone struggles to understand this concept, then they need to become someone who respects both your well-being and personal space.
As you work to establish new boundaries, be kind and gentle with yourself as you set them. Some people may not respond positively to them; it is okay if they become upset by this step you take in order to protect yourself; however if they become hostile towards or insult you in response, that should be taken as an indicator that they need more mature relationships in which to develop themselves further.
As you begin to develop and use your boundary skills, it can be useful to record in a journal how certain people make you feel after spending time together. Pay attention to what signals your body sends – tension or fatigue may indicate it’s time for some distance between yourself and them.
Lastly, when explaining boundaries directly to someone in person, try being more direct and to-the-point. State your boundary clearly and then explain any consequences if violated – this approach is much more effective than engaging them in debate about your rules or telling them why their disagreement with your boundaries is invalid.
No matter the relationship, maintaining healthy boundaries with friends, partners, or family is integral to both mental and physical wellbeing. Tune into this week’s episode of my podcast as my co-host Sunny and I discuss boundary setting strategies for anxious people-pleasers and how to broach those tough conversations with ease.
Be clear.
Setting boundaries can be a difficult challenge for many individuals, especially when dealing with someone who regularly disregards others’ feelings. Boundaries serve as a way of showing that your needs matter and you deserve proper consideration; but it’s important to remember that while setting your boundaries you cannot control how others react.
As important as it is to set boundaries, it is equally essential to clearly communicate them. You can inform people of your boundaries using any number of methods – verbally, written down on paper or texted to them – but remember the key component in any such communication should always be directness – otherwise it won’t work effectively.
Make sure that you clearly communicate your boundaries and the consequences that will result from violating them to ensure the other person knows exactly what to expect and reduce any misunderstandings in the future.
If you are having difficulty setting and communicating your boundaries, seeking help from a coach or counselor may be beneficial. They can teach you how to have sensitive discussions with loved ones regarding such sensitive matters.
One common theme among those who struggle with setting boundaries is fear of hurting the other person’s feelings. They may have learned, often during childhood years, that insisting on fair and balanced boundaries will cause trouble or make someone angry at them.
Keep in mind that those who take issue with your boundaries are those who don’t respect them themselves; if someone gets upset at you for setting yours, it could be because they lack their own and feel powerless against yours.
When communicating your boundaries, it’s best to do it directly and honestly. Avoiding vague language such as euphemisms can help avoid unnecessary misunderstanding. Also important is being clear about what kinds of behavior is unacceptable and should be punished; if in doubt about what steps or words to use when setting these boundaries it would be beneficial to discuss this matter with trusted counsel such as pastors, therapists or close godly friends who might provide helpful assistance.
Be calm.
When boundaries are crossed, the key is to respond calmly yet assertively. Reacting in anger could make the other person defensive and escalate the situation further, potentially causing additional hurt and distress to everyone involved.
As opposed to reacting with anger, take a deep breath and redirect your energies toward a positive result for this relationship/situation. Consider what’s important to you in this relationship/situation (such as being seen as competent professional, avoiding burnout or spending quality time with children) before becoming angry.
Once your limits are clear, state them directly and firmly using as few words as possible. This allows you to be direct without appearing confrontational, as it reduces the possibility that they will be misinterpreted by another party. If someone violates your boundaries, remind them of any positive repercussions or what could happen if they continue not complying.
Setting more assertive boundaries may cause guilt or fear; especially if the people you care about cross those boundaries. But this should be seen as a good thing: taking back power from those and situations who have made you feel powerless over the years.
Goal 1 is to become a self-sufficient Boundary Boss who does not rely on others for her wellbeing, leading to more fulfilling and less stressful living environments, as well as healthier relationships.
Fear of rejection or not being liked could also play a factor when setting and enforcing boundaries, so if you find yourself avoiding talking or engaging in avoidant behaviors to set them, seeking support from trusted friends or therapists to assist will help ensure you become a healthier Boundary Boss with an ability to communicate these boundaries respectfully and kindly is vital for overall wellness and independence.
Be kind.
Setting boundaries when dealing with angry Karens can seem like a never-ending battle. You must remain firm, clear and calm while at the same time being compassionate – if possible being honest about any discomfort and fears associated with having difficult discussions about boundaries can set up a vulnerable container between both of you. These types of people often try to derail boundary discussions by accusing you of being too harsh or cold or by saying things such as, ‘I know this may be hard for you to accept but this needs to happen now.”
Establishing healthy boundaries involves learning what you can and cannot tolerate, and your reactions when someone crosses them. The first step should be noticing how you react when someone you’re concerned about approaches you; are your feelings irritation, frustration, anger or exhaustion? These indicators that it may be time to revisit the relationship and set new boundaries should come.
At this stage, it’s essential to remember that repeating yourself will likely be necessary, particularly if the person seems upset by your new boundaries and attempts to skirt around them by making excuses or making statements that show they don’t understand your position or goal. By repeating yourself several times you demonstrate that your intention to set boundaries is serious and keep yourself on track with this new process.
Preparing for conversations requires understanding what communication style the other person possesses. If their style aligns closely with yours, discussing boundaries should come more naturally; otherwise, spending more time in pre-talk stage explaining their expectations could prove helpful.
If you want to take charge of your life and stop allowing people who don’t respect or adhere to your wishes control it, subscribe to Forbes Passport for helpful tips on healthy relationships and boundaries.
