Assertive communication can be both healthy and effective when faced with endlessly talking mother-in-laws or coworkers ripping into your work, so becoming assertive should not be underestimated. But how do you become assertive?
Communicating assertively requires using feeling statements to get your point across and meet your needs.
1. Listen to the Other Person’s Perspective
Assertive communication begins with listening to one another. Listening is key for understanding why someone might be angry and providing ideas for solutions that might make everyone happier. Listening also shows you care for them while working to find an amicable resolution to any conflicts that may arise.
If you’re trying to resolve an issue with an angry Karen, it is best to remain calm and focus on their perspective. Anger may cause you to make hasty judgments which might not be accurate; take some deep breaths before responding, and remain mindful of their viewpoint.
Karen’s anger often stems from fear of being perceived as rude or being accused of something she didn’t do, which in her culture is considered rude to express in public. She finds it hard to say no when people take advantage of her; this has long-term ramifications on both her health and performance at work.
Many people conflate assertiveness and aggression, believing that asserting themselves won’t get heard without being aggressive. Unfortunately, being aggressive can actually be worse than simply not speaking up at all – aggressive communication can include behaviors such as shouting out threats or intimidating someone into silence, which makes the other party feel threatened or unsafe.
Use “I feel” statements when communicating your feelings; these eliminate an accusatory tone and allow you to share your opinions without making others defensive or angry. Furthermore, using these phrases encourages others to respond with “yes, I can see that” rather than defensiveness or hostility.
Avoid tag questions when communicating your feelings, as these can often become quick and easy ways of responding, but can quickly turn a conversation into an argument. Examples of tag questions would include, “Don’t you agree?” and “Aren’t you?”
2. Ask for What You Need
Communicating assertively allows you to express your needs and opinions clearly while still respecting the autonomy of another. It’s an effective communication style; passive or aggressive approaches fail to deliver your message or meet your needs.
Passive communication means leaving your needs/wants/opinions/boundaries unstated at all or asserted with apology, qualifications, or guilt-induced statements, leaving you feeling imbalanced and angry over time. In contrast, aggressive communication either attempts to control others or ignores their needs altogether – both can be harmful to relationships and personal growth.
Paulette Dale is an expert in communication science and an acclaimed speaker and author. In this episode of Joy Superpowers, she explains why assertive communication skills are vital to building self-confidence and developing honest relationships.
To become more assertive, it’s essential that you identify what your own needs are and practice using “feeling statements” when communicating with people who cause you discomfort. For instance, instead of shouting your frustration about misplaced coffee orders at cafes by declaring: “I am so mad!” say something more assertive like: “I feel frustrated when my drink arrives incorrect.”
Try listening and asking how they would respond to what you say; this will allow you to find a workable compromise solution for both parties involved.
Try replacing tag questions (like isn’t it?) with polite phrases such as, “Thank you” or “Please” when communicating, as this will make you appear more confident and reduce feelings of insecurity. Additionally, when confronted with conflictual situations it may help having someone who can provide feedback and offer assistance in resolving it.
3. Ask for a Compromise
At times, what you and the other person want may differ drastically; while this can be challenging to accept for both individuals in a relationship, finding common ground should always be attempted to bridge gaps. For instance, if one wants to go out for dinner while their partner prefers staying home and watching Netflix – compromise by going for dessert instead!
By showing that you respect the other person and their needs while also expressing your own, assertive communication can help demonstrate respect. Plus, you might gain more insight into their perspective! Using assertive language isn’t only useful in this situation – it can be applied across many scenarios!
When making compromises, always do so lovingly and respectfully. Even though you might not get everything that is desired from this situation, knowing you treated the other party with kindness may help bring greater contentment in both parties involved.
Remember when making any agreement that it should never be seen as punishment or sacrifice. If you feel resentful or angry, remind yourself that your feelings are valid and it’s okay to express them – just take care not to allow your emotions run amok!
Compromise has long been recognized in social science circles and is typically associated with negotiations and bargaining processes. Yet recent evidence demonstrates its close ties with deliberative processes like discussion and argument.
Both approaches may help resolve disagreements, although both may require more work to reach consensus than alternatives such as mediation and arbitration (Koller et al., 2015).
Compromise can be an essential element in maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. It allows both sides to work out mutually-beneficial solutions rather than giving in or fighting, helping build trust between you and your partner while strengthening bonds between both of you.
4. Ask for Help
People can often struggle with accepting help when they need it, feeling they should be able to handle the situation themselves or that asking others may seem selfish. But it’s important to remember that having another party involved can save time, energy, and money while making others aware that assistance may be available makes them more likely to offer it.
People fear asking for assistance for various reasons, including a belief that doing so will make them appear weak or inferior – research indicates this belief among children as young as seven. Others fear being seen as burdens or inconveniences which can lead to feelings of resentment from others; or simply they worry they won’t receive the assistance they require or that their request will be turned down altogether.
However, most people do not actually experience fear when asking for assistance. According to Wayne Baker of the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business and author of All You Have To Do Is Ask, people tend to respond more favorably than you think when people make requests for their assistance in an acceptable manner. He asserts that “people are often happy to assist when asked in such ways”.
To increase your chances of receiving the help that you require, it’s crucial that when making requests you be as detailed and specific as possible. Make your request SMART (Specific Meaningful Action-oriented Realistic and Time-bound). This will ensure you receive what assistance is necessary without overwhelming others.
If you find yourself being denied assistance, try not to take it personally; chances are the person was simply out of resources to offer support. Instead of being discouraged by this response, reach out to other members of your network and see if anyone of them can provide the help that you require; if not they may know someone else who can.
